Hep C Discussion Forum

Wow! Ya know, one of the best things about blogging (for me) is that it's a bit like keeping a diary! As with a diary, when you need a little inspiration, you can look back over some of your old stuff and very often you can sometimes amaze yourself. And that has just happened to me.

Like many people, a new year gives you the chance to clear the decks a bit and start to look forward and try and form 'a plan'. Ya know, out with the old and in with the new kind of stuff and it was for that reason that I decided that I would look back at how I felt at this time last year. I've got to say, it felt almost like reading someone else's blog but with whom I could really relate! A different person entirely but I could see that he was dealing with the predicament he was in, in much the same way as I would. He was of course desperately waiting for a Liver Transplant and Hepatitis C was ruling every aspect of his life.

And that's it. That's the 'nail on the head' I've been looking for. Suddenly, for a brief moment the shroud was lifted and I could see what I was floundering around looking for. Who am I now? Not the person I had become, after experiencing the roller coaster ride that my life had always been, but the REAL Brand New Me since I received a full liver transplant and now was master in his fight with virus. No, not the guy I thought I was when I wrote Brand New Me (http://ianquill.blogspot.com/search/label/Brand%20New%20Me), not the guy I thought I would become when I wrote Gentlemen, We Can Rebuild Him (http://ianquill.blogspot.com/search/label/The%20Bionic%20Man). But the man I now see everyday in the mirror and like I said, wow, hes a very different but very recognisable chap at the same time.

I suppose the seriousness of my situation for the last couple of years has knocked the child out of me and maybe now those very same things are helping me find him again. In a strange kind of a way, I feel like Ive been reset to a default mode. The guy I was before life got in the way. More childlike, maybe, but now that Im starting to recognise him again, I seem to be getting more and more comfortable with him.

Id like to say it feels totally great, setting out on a new road into the unknown, like I have so many times before. But this time around, understandably, Im going forward with some trepidation. I realise that now as I sit here and write but am aware that again, going forward can only be better than where I have come from.

As a younger man, I lived and worked abroad for many years, following the seasons and the tourist trail as I travelled and tried to earn money as I went. It was great fun and one big adventure but like everything, it had its downsides too. I can remember, as each season was drawing to a close, how down I would feel. All the great people that I had met, I was now about to say goodbye to. No matter how great the intentions of staying in touch, I knew that for many of them, this would be the last time I would see them. They, like me, were backpacking on their own journeys of (self) discovery although for me it was a journey of rediscovery. This had been brought about by a brief, but what later turned to be a devastating foray into the world of drugs and addiction.

Again, we were all getting ready to depart for new destinations and new adventures. For me, even though I knew it was an inevitable conclusion to another happy chapter, I always faced it with a heavy heart. It was as though it was period of pre-grieving for what I was about to lose until I could finally square it in my head. Then, after the final leaving party and the hangover had lifted, I would pack up my kit and set out on the road with a renewed lust for adventure. For sure I worried at points, setting off into the great unknown, but these worries were far out-weighed by the myriad of possibilities that lay ahead.

So, where does that leave me now? For sure, I cant just pack up and move on like I once did. I have my family to consider and they are one of the few things that have kept me grounded and sane through all the turmoil I have been through. But I still can try and get back to the naive joker who was creative, laughed a lot, cared a lot and had a sense of adventure; back to my default setting.

And so thats it, thats my revelation which leads me to my resolution for this year and the first that I have been able to plan for sometime. Somehow, Ive got to shoe-horn that into my life in a way that fits with my family and financial constraints. I definitely need a job of some kind, something that I can get my teeth into and will hopefully benefit others. But definitely not a job that was as all consuming as my last one, which ended up ruling my life. I need to ensure that whatever I do it leaves enough time for my family but also leaves time to allow for some kind of creativity.

If my experiences so far can take me to fulfil this first resolution of what I hope will be many then maybe it will not all have been in vain.

Have a Happy & Healthy New Year Everybody. Ian