Hep C Discussion Forum

Scruffy · Guru

Annoying houseguests & Riba Rage won't mix..

TeddyTrout · Senior Member

I will chip in on a nice new cattle prod and a case of batteries to go along with it.

dustbear · Senior Member

Oh Kirsten I feel your pain. I suggest making a list of your limitations and posting them on the fridge, includung that this is temporary. His fear is based on a lack of knowledge so so stuff his face with it. Set up healthy boundaries and stick with them. Today I had to hide in my own bedroom while my friends came to visit my hubby.My list includes no visitors on injection night,no bright lights, no loud music or games, I own half this place it is my sanctuary and I say who comes or goes. I am generally a very social person.

Please take care of yourself, you did not ask for this

Mashar · Senior Member

Wow Kristin hang in there. I could not imagine having houseguests (especially annoying ones furious ) I have my in laws and family over for a few hours and as soon as they leave I plop down exhasuted. You need to do whatever you can so you make it through this tx and beat this! Best wishes to you.

hugs,

Mary

Kirstin · Senior Member

Thanks Jill & PJ

Everything will be okay, I am more of a relaxed person. I just let things go, its not worth getting all worked up. I just need to take a few deep breathes. Yeah, Rick is very controlling, always has been. I think he is just insecure, he is 5 years younger then me, it should be the other way around lol . He knows how I am feeling, he knows that after this I am gone but he just doesnt know how to fix things. I am tired of being the one who always apoligizes, even when it wasn't my fault. Its just not worth my time anymore so I am not going to dwell on it, put anymore effort into whatever it is that we have...

I have my little digs though so I am not all that innocent. Ever since he called me that this afternoon I played the same song over & over for an hour almost.. Just to keep him on his toes .. Gives me a giggle

-- Edited by Kirstin on Friday 3rd of June 2011 10:38:53 AM

PJ · Senior Member

Oh Kirstin,

What a jerk. I am sorry. My ex and I had some fights, but he NEVER called me by that name, ever. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with all of this. Does anyone else find the gift of little dogs to be a way to exercise control? Sorry, maybe I'm just sensitive, but the more little creatures you have to care for, the more work, the closer you stay to home, and the harder for you to leave, etc. And I am a dog lover.

I've been told by some people who understand that this journey we are on is more than a physical one, but also one of the mind and spirit. And, in many ways, a gift that maybe we won't appreciate until it's over. I'm wondering if it is not a signal to you that you'd be better off alone. And, there are many forms of abuse. Just because someone is not physically hurting you does not mean that they are not abusive. I know this only too well. And I can tell you that on the other side of that relationship, there is a world of love, fun, freedom, etc., just waiting for you to be there and be happy.

OK, I'll shut up now.

Many hugs to you! I wish you were closer. You could move into my guestroom and enjoy some peace and quiet and NO DRAMA as my home is a drama-free zone :).

pj

Cinnamon Girl · Guru

Good luck with your results Kirstin.

I`m really worried about you in this dreadful situation. My husband was one of those selfish `bring me a beer` types and in the end I took my daughter, who was still at home then, and we left him. I only came back when he got sick with his final illness, because even after everything I couldn`t let him go through that on his own.

Ok, I wasn`t on tx then but I was still badly effected with ME/CFS (which he used to complain was ruining HIS life, haha!). I just woke up one morning and thought I don`t have to live like this.

Of course it`s up to you how you choose to handle it Kirstin, but you must make your voice heard and your needs recognised - it`s your home just as much as his and it`s your health on the line here.

Good luck with the diamonds!! biggrin We`re here with you every step of the way.

Love and hugs, Jill xxxx

-- Edited by Cinnamon Girl on Friday 3rd of June 2011 09:21:31 AM

Kirstin · Senior Member

Maybe the stress is getting to him as well? I dont know, he shouldnt talk to me like that though. He has never called me that name before, it came as a shock. I will get a present tomorrow now, you watch. Same old thing.. Told him I loved chihuahua's so everytime he is really horrible to me I get a chihuahua.. No Joke, I have recieved 3 now in the past year, thats almost $3500 in tiny little dogs lol.. I told him earlier that I am over chihuahua's I have enough but I love diamonds so we'll see how that goes

Thanks again guys for listening

-- Edited by Kirstin on Friday 3rd of June 2011 07:16:05 AM

Moocow · Guru

Wow, this dude needs to count his blessings you live on the other side of the planet, Kirstin.

I hate that word, the C word and if my husband or SO ever called me that, he'd be choking on his nuts. Literally.

His attitude towards you makes me furious.

Glad you are letting this out, I wish there was something I could do for you, like take you in here.

Greg · Guru

What a charmer, hope your okay and safe!

Ron Gilbert · Senior Member

I'm so sorry that things are working out this way Kirstin. If you do have to find another place I'm sure it will work out for the best.

Im very glad that you know tx is working. Its a great sign. The same thing happened to me in the 4th week. Just want to wish you the best on your labs.

Ron

Kirstin · Senior Member

No Gail, he doesn't know how to. But I do know that I have had enough already. Unfortunately it is more his house, time for me to look for somewhere else. Asked him today to rethink the plans that he has made, that I am sorry but he should have spoken to me first, asked me if I was okay with it etc & all I got back was that I am so selfish & just a c**t. I am not going to be spoken to like that, not from anyone, especially him. Its okay though. I knew it was coming. I am sorry to whine about all of this, just feels good to let it all out..

Moocow · Guru

Let him watch the dogs. Has this dude ever taken care of just himself, much less an animal? Doesn't sound like it and maybe you should just go see his mother, stay there for a few days.

I'd be sending out one LOUD message to him- you sure don't need "his" parade, his agenda or anything else that he centers on himself.

All I hear when it comes to him is, "ME, ME, ME".

Sorry, if it was me, on tx or not, I'd boot his lily butt out the door.

Kirstin · Senior Member

Thanks guys.. I didnt want to seem as though I was complaining but it is just so daunting for me right now to have houseguests.

I tried to explain to him last night that it was a bad time for me but I just got the same reply.. "your tough, you can handle it. Your just being selfish, I havent seem my Dad for almost a year". Made me feel guilty, there is no changing him. Unfortunately I cant leave for the duration of his stay, I have the dogs to look after. So I will go out & buy a couple of books & become a hermit in the back room. Hopefully it will pass soon enough.

Yes, his father knows that I am sick, he only knows that I am on 'chemo' but like father like son..

I think my best bet would be to call his mother, we have an awesome relationship, she would be horrified that he is staying here etc (they are divorced so she probably doesnt know that he will be here). I will call her today & she may be able to help

Yes! 4 week labs today.. I am feeling very optimistic! .. I just know that it is working biggrin

BeccaJune · Senior Member

Kirstin,

I can relate to friends and relatives coming to visit on their time schedule. I would have a hard time telling my partner's mom or dad not to come though. Does he know you are sick and on treatment?

I had a wise mother-in-law tell me "When you are sick, always just act like you are sicker than you really feel", knowing that I, when I would get sick, would try to continue on and do all the things I normally would. But if you continue to do it, the other person will think you are ok and just let you. If you act like you are sick, which you ARE, most people will be at least a little sympathetic and give you a break.

So that's my advise, just let them know you are sick and act like it, don't try to live up to thier expectations. Set some expectations of your own. Someone needs to bring you a drink, fix you dinner, leave you to some peace and quiet, etc.

Good luck,

Becca

-- Edited by BeccaJune on Thursday 2nd of June 2011 11:30:49 PM

Ron Gilbert · Senior Member

On the one hand Kirstin,

I can understand that you may not even want to be alone right now, and that you certainly don't want to jeopardize your relationship with Rick. Also, I admire your strength to want to just deal with it, and take whatever is thrown at you.

But, on the other hand. I have to agree with all the girls.

You are not taking tx seriously enough. These drugs are powerful enough to have debilitating effects if we don't protect ourselves from things like stress and over activity.

I see posts on here all the time (and on other forums) where people are suffering serious long term effects. The girls are saying PLEASE don't be one of those people because you chose to over do it. You are too kind and sweet of a person to let that happen to you.

I have heard Ty say how important it was toward the end of tx, that he had maintained a light and easy schedule throughout so that he had energy to finish the last few weeks.

I very much appreciate the advice from experience that everyone is giving and I'm going to be even more cautious now about my own schedule and activities from here on out.

I could be out working a heavy schedule but I will resist the temtation and continue to only work a VERY limited schedule because of everyones advice here in this forum.

Its up to you Kirstin, but everyone is saying please please don't keep overdoing it as you have been doing. Its just way to dangerous and risky. The people around you don't realize that, so you are going to have to be strong enough to realize it for yourself and protect yourself.

Ron

-- Edited by Ron Gilbert on Thursday 2nd of June 2011 10:45:03 PM

Greg · Guru

Hi Kirstin,

I totally agree with everyone here, I can't believe Rick hasn't got the message. Time for action, tie him down in the chair if you have to and make him read this thread and the others you have posted if need be. As for you sleeping in a camp bed I'm speechless.

You have to put yourself first and you need to do this now and take care of yourself.

Take care and hugs,
Greg

PS: Good luck with your results today, fingers crossed.

-- Edited by Greg on Thursday 2nd of June 2011 10:49:22 PM

PJ · Senior Member

Kirstin, NO, YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE!!!! OK, I will quit yelling now, but geez, that is just totally ridiculous. I would print out this entire thread and show it to him. And if there is a sister who lives nearby, that is where the Dad should be staying, or as Ron suggested, let Rick go and visit HIM!!

The last thing we need is the additional work and stress of houseguests. Even the best ones require some sort of effort and I can't even imagine someone who would tell me I'm slacking if the house is not up to their standards??? And you should NOT be reduced to a camp bed, and what sort of man asks his sick partner to do that?

Tell him how one visitor knocked me completely out for 4 hours, and he only stayed a half an hour and required nothing, not even a glass of water (which he gladly would have gotten himself).

Yes, put your foot down, tell them that unless it's a nurse/maid, etc. to take care of YOU, that company is out of the question right now. That's not Riba rage, that's just common sense.

borowif · Senior Member

O.M.G. Kirsten & Hi,

I cant believe Rick's being so thoughtless whilst you're enduring this difficult time. Perhaps if you show him these comments he may wake up to your needs rather than lookin to his own.

You must put your foot down as you are not well enough to be looking after other people. It's hard enough trying to cope with your own self regardless of others.

No you are not being horrible you're just so worried about being able to cope. When I had visitors during tx it was the most I could do to make a cuppa tea for them, let alone have them as lodgers.

Just mentioned this to my hubby & he can't believe it. He said tell em to "get your own beer arsehole" Sorry about the language.

Please put yourself first Kirstin. The more you do the more you'll pay for it. One day of being slightly busy on tx was equivalent to days of heavy weight lifting for me & boy did I pay the price.

Please put yourself first & take care

Lots of luv & hugs

Lesleyxx

Cinnamon Girl · Guru

Hi Kirstin, this just isn`t fair on you at all, and NO you are not being horrible! Put that idea right out of your mind, right now. I agree with what Ron and Gail have said - you have to take charge of this situation and either somehow make Rick understand that he must go and see his Dad instead, or that you will need to move out to a hotel or somewhere. You have to be very positive about this and make it his problem not yours.

I understand that this the worst possible time for you to have to be confrontational, but you still have the rest of tx to go through yet Kirstin. I don`t want to worry you but the sx could get worse for you as you go through the weeks. I`m not saying they definitely will, but it`s a possibility, and things need to change right now.

You`re not being at all unreasable - you have to protect yourself and your well-being, he obviously hasn`t got a clue what it`s like for you. And yes your house is spotless and very smart and to be honest who could blame you if it wasn`t when you`re on tx.

Excuse me for being forthright but I really feel strongly about this and don`t want you to suffer because of Rick`s thoughlessness.

Take care of yourself Kirstin, love and hugs, Jill xxx

greenqueen · Guru

Hi Kirstin,

Gail's spot on! There was no way I could have handled a house guest during tx, let alone anyone expecting a waitress service As I was living alone, it was a different situation and although I had occasional friends/family pop in, they generally didn't stay too long and offered to pick up a bit of shopping etc. As for housework, well as long there weren't mouldy dishes in the sink and the toilet was clean, the basics, then that was it lol.

You need some TLC and someone to wait on you at this time. Would your partner be prepared to read some info on the needs of someone on tx? If so, there's a link below. You could always tie him to a chair until he's read it .

http://www.hcvadvocate.org/hepatitis/factsheets_pdf/Family%20and%20Friends%20Guide_10.pdf

Love Steff xx

Moocow · Guru

Kirstin,

Ron had a good suggestion- maybe it's time to put your foot down and take charge of your illness and treatment.

Tell your SO that the last thing you need is "company", period. That you are in NO shape to cater to anyone and those plans should be changed immediately.

Or, tell him you will gladly give him and his dad the run of the house and you will go stay in a hotel or a friends home for the duration of the visit.

I went through (the beginning of tx, no kidding....) a major house renovation. Yeah, new deck, new french doors installed and windows on the south side of our home, including siding. Yes, lots of activity and I just hung out in my recliner for most of it. Sometimes I'd just leave for the better part of the day. I wasn't annoyed at all, really- circumstances were not the same. AND everyone around me literally "looked after" me.

Your SO obviously has never dealt with serious illness with either himself or a family member- he's clueless and you have got to clue him in.

The men in our family are typical farm mindset, the women do all the domestic crap, including going out and helping with the operation when needed- we also do all "our" chores (tending to chickens or other small livestock, including "pets". My FIL is the typical, "I need a glass of water" type, my MIL enabled that behavior for 60 years. I don't put up with that crap- and my husband is a bit better than his father. He does help me and continues to help when I need it.

My husband also had Hodgkin's when he was a teenager, went through 9 mo of chemo, so he knows what it's like to be sick and on treatment.

Your SO has no empathy and he needs to be told that and to start getting a clue as to what your needs are, which is peace and quiet, no drama, no demands. And certainly NO houseguests unless you feel up to it, which you don't have to put up with it if you don't want.

Maybe you should take the time and call your SO's father and explain it to him, that you just can't deal with a houseguest right now, you are too sick. If he doesn't understand, maybe they will both get the damn message if you just go visit someone else or get a hotel room for the duration of his visit.

Time to assert thyself, Kirstin.

James10500 · Guru

Good luck to you ! I know how tough it was at times.

James

Kirstin · Senior Member

LOL Ron.. What & me stay here alone? I may have some fun & that just cant happen Nah, he'd rather stay here & annoy me.. Oh boy, he is getting on my nerves lately, just the littlest of things are driving me insane.. I am being so mean lately, I hope this passes. Got enough stress.

Ron Gilbert · Senior Member

Yes Kirstin,

Tell Rick what a nice idea it would be for him to go see his Dad. Maybe he needs the time out? Or, you could tell him your giving him one of those passes or whatever they called it in that movie where the guys all got to go out for 3 days, lol. Hey, it might work if he thinks he is getting something for himself. Maybe?

Ron

Kirstin · Senior Member

I was informed today that my partners father will be coming to visit next week & will be staying for a few days..

Now, I usually enjoy his company (sort of) and have never complained about his visits but this time I just dont need it. It has really upset me, for a few reasons..

Firstly because his first night here will be next wednesday, the days I have my Inter shot.. The worst day of the week..

Secondly because I have moved into the guestroom (Rick wont allow the dogs in the main bedroom anymore, he doesnt want to be woken by me if I have a bad night & I dont want to be near him right now). Even though we have 3 bedrooms only 2 have beds in them so now I have to sleep on a camp bed in the 3rd room.

Third point is because both Rick & his father are so needy.. Get me & Dad a beer will you Kirst... Babe, can we have a snack etc etc etc... Also the house has to be spotless, his father has no problem with telling me that I am 'slacking off' in my duties.. (will post a pic of my house, it is clean but apparently not good enough for him)

I just feel put out about it all. I feel bad as well because his father lives in another state & he doesnt get to see him all the often but Ricks sister, well couldnt his father just stay there?

Am I horrible for feeling this way? I am really dreading it & feel very upset that I have been put in this situation..

Any suggestions on how to get through this?

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